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Pre-marital counselling crucial to those pondering remarriage

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Contributed by EUNICE LI DAN YUE – 

Do Couples Who Are Considering Remarriage Know What They Are Getting Themselves Into?

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REMARRIAGE, particularly when children are involved, is very challenging (“Discord in step-families: More seek support”; Straits Times, Sept 26).

Common issues faced by couples who remarried

One common mistake that new couples and step-families make is spending all of their time together as a family, to the exclusion of special time alone for biological parents and children as well as for the new couple, which is absolutely critical to the success of the family. In situations like this, just understanding what one is doing and knowing what works, can prevent years of disappointment, which if not dealt with on the other hand, could lead to bitterness and resentment. This situation is easily avoidable if the couple understands what the step-family needs and how to meet those needs within the context of the family.

In fact, the first few years of remarriage are often laced with turmoil brought on by the stress of forming a new family. Guilt from the past and the difficulties of developing new relationships decrease the ability of the newly remarried couple to relate to each other and parent effectively.

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This period can be a time of high stress. In research, it has been found that stress scores are highest for individuals who are in the first two years of forming a stepfamily and that there is an enormous gap between stress in a stepfamily and stress in an intact nuclear family. For example, stress scores in women in new stepfamilies were three times higher than those for women in intact nuclear families and males’ scores were two times higher in stepfamilies.

This is the time when marital relationship skills become casualties of the larger family war. Men and women seem to lose the ability to talk to one another. Conflict in marriage soars in new stepfamilies, mostly due to unrealistic expectations which commonly include: The “just us” expectation, the “instant love” expectation and the “better-than” expectation.

How to deal with the issue when step-family is involved?

So how can we tackle the issues faced by step-families?

Besides having the pre-marital counselling and spousal support, there could perhaps be sibling sessions- both biological and step-sibling, as well as various combinations of adults and children – biological parent to child and stepparent to child.

Conclusion

With effective counselling, family members’ expectations of each other can be addressed, and this can be key to whether the remarriage can be sustained in the long term.

By Eunice Li Dan Yue

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